


Santa's Tale

by cordeliadelayne



Category: Primeval
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, dressing up, santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 16:17:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8899027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cordeliadelayne/pseuds/cordeliadelayne
Summary: Christmas - a time for bonding, blackmail and beards.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a Christmas present for the lovely lukadreaming who gave the prompt “ho ho bloody ho!”

Stephen knew that laughing at his boyfriend was probably a bad idea, at least in terms of access to sex, but he was having a very hard time remembering that right now. Ryan knew it too.

“If you say anything I will rip off your cock and feed it to a raptor.”

Stephen turned away, headed out of the room and locked himself in the bathroom.

“I can still bloody hear you!” Ryan shouted, as Stephen gave into his laughter. He was definitely going to owe Cutter a pint after this.

**Two Days Previously**

“Have I put on weight?”

Stephen looked up from his book and tried to focus on the question. He and Cutter had finally talked out their issues and whilst not exactly back to where things used to be, they were on a better footing than they had been last year. Not that that explained why Cutter was currently standing in front of him and pulling at his trousers.

“What?”

“Do you think I've put on weight?”

“Is this because I'm seeing Ryan now?” Stephen asked, not unreasonably considering Cutter's track record of putting his foot in his well meaning mouth.

Cutter frowned. “Why would this – what, of course not! What do you take me for?”

Stephen wisely decided to side step that question. “Why do you think you've gained weight?”

“I was trying on a costume for Jenny and it didn't fit.”

Stephen carefully put his bookmark into his book and set it down on the table. “What, _now?_ ”

“Aye, in her office. I'm sure it fit before.”

Stephen felt like there was probably a lot about this conversation he was missing. Like the beginning and middle.

“Costume?”

“Yes, you know, for the you know what.”

Stephen was pretty sure by now that “you know what” wasn't some sort of Cutter-ish euphemism for sex, but just to be on the safe side... “What costume are you talking about, exactly?”

Cutter looked around the empty canteen as if expecting eavesdroppers to be hiding in the ceiling. “You know.” And then Cutter winked.

“I feel like I've followed a rabbit down the wrong hole,” Stephen said. Cutter just looked confused, which Stephen thought was a bit rich. “I don't know, actually. What are you blathering on about?”

Ryan poked his head around the door at that point, looking freshly showered. “I'm done if you're ready to – Sorry, was I interrupting something?”

“Only a trip through the looking glass.”

Ryan just nodded. “Talking to Cutter has that effect on me too. Coming?”

“Absolutely,” Stephen replied. He grabbed his book and waved goodbye to Cutter who had gone back to pulling at his trousers.

“Just so you know,” Ryan said as they arrived at his car, “I'm not going to ask.”

“And that,” Stephen said, pushing Ryan up against the car, “is exactly what I love about you.”

Then he kissed Ryan's reply away, ignoring the hooting as some of the soldiers came on for their shift. They'd seen worse.

* * * *

Cutter's blathering became clearer the next day, after Cutter – who'd been assigned to Ryan's team while Stephen had moved over to Becker's – came back through an anomaly on a stretcher. After a seconds heart stopping moment as Cutter milked the situation for as much as it was worth, it became clear that he wasn't in fact mortally wounded, he just had a possibly broken ankle.

“If I didn't know better I'd say he got injured deliberately,” Jenny said to Stephen. Stephen, who'd been absently watching Ryan leaning over to talk to Cutter, took a moment too long to reply.

“Hmm?”

“Honestly, Stephen,” Jenny sighed, though she returned Stephen's grin when he turned it on her. “Cutter was going to be Santa this year at the Children's Hospital”.

“So that's what he was going on about yesterday.” Stephen frowned and thought back to their previous conversation. “Hang on, he was going on about putting on weight?”

Jenny smiled and then tried to look serious. “Last year he needed padding to fit in it,” she explained in a whisper. Cutter, who had the unnerving ability to be oblivious to everything except when you were talking about him, glanced over at them and waved his arm at Stephen as if summoning one of his subjects.

Stephen remained where he was.

“I know we weren't exactly talking last year, but I definitely would have remembered Cutter in a Santa costume.”

“He wouldn't let me take any photos.”

“But...”

“No buts,” Jenny said. Stephen raised an eyebrow. “I did _try_. He just deleted them all. My own fault for leaving my phone unlocked on the bedside table.”

Stephen stilled just as suddenly as Jenny. Neither of them looked at the other.

Cutter groaned loudly.

“I'm going to check on Nick,” Jenny said, enunciating each word carefully.

“Uh huh,” Stephen replied.

Jenny walked over to Cutter without looking back. Stephen sat, considering.

* * * * *

“Are you constipated or thinking?” Ryan asked. Stephen gave him the finger. Ryan snorted. “I'm going to stay to finish up some paperwork. See you at home later?”

“How do you feel about children?” Stephen asked.

“Couldn't eat a whole one.”

Stephen glared at him. “In general, avoid or shoot?”

Ryan half smiled. “I hope those aren't my only options. What is this about?”

“You're avoiding the question.”

“I'm not avoiding the – Fine, I like kids fine. What's this really about?”

Stephen gave Ryan a quick peck on the cheek. “I'll see you at home.”

“I know you're up to something!” Ryan called after him. Stephen didn't respond.

* * * * *

“Please tell me you don't have some sort of white beard kink,” Ryan said. He came further into their bedroom and looked suspiciously at the Santa outfit laid out on the bed.

“God, no,” Stephen replied. “Though, I do want you to wear it.”

“Of course you do. What the fuck?”

Stephen laughed. “Cutter was supposed to do it for the Children's Hospital. He can't with his ankle so I told Jenny you'd volunteer.”

“Did you? That was very public spirited of you.” Ryan snagged Stephen's belt and pushed him back onto the bed and then straddled him. Stephen didn't even put up a token protest. “And why didn't you volunteer?”

“Red isn't my colour. And besides, I'll be busy seeing a man about a phone.”

Ryan shook his head. “The only reason I'm not asking is 'cause I really want a blow job right now.”

“You're going to have to let me go for that,” Stephen pointed out.

“Your wish, as ever,” Ryan replied, flipping them over. Stephen grinned and sank to his knees.

* * * * * *

Stephen knew that laughing at his boyfriend was probably a bad idea, at least in terms of access to sex, but he was having a very hard time remembering that right now. Ryan knew it too.

“If you say anything I will rip off your cock and feed it to a raptor.”

Stephen turned away, headed out of the room and locked himself in the bathroom.

“I can still bloody hear you!” Ryan shouted, as Stephen gave into his laughter. He was definitely going to owe Cutter a pint after this.

Once he'd calmed himself down he came back out to find Ryan had finished getting dressed into his Santa costume, plus plenty of padding.

“I look bloody ridiculous. And why couldn't I have just changed at the hospital?”

“Jenny's arranged some reindeer to take you there,” Stephen said, ducking out of the room as his words sank in.

“You mean I've got to go through the middle of sodding London a week before Christmas dressed like – you are a dead man, Hart! A dead man!”

In the ordinary way of things Ryan would probably have caught up to Stephen as he dodged down the stairs and out the front door, but seeing as Ryan currently had to waddle every step and move down the stairs sideways, there wasn't much chance of that.

Jenny was waiting outside for them, reindeer and sleigh plus their handlers calmly waiting. Jenny handed Stephen her phone.

“I'll meet you there,” Stephen said.

“How did he take the news?”

“He was not over the moon,” Ryan replied, slipping sightly as he slammed the door shut behind him.

“It's Christmas!” Jenny said. “Just think of the children.”

“Ho ho bloody ho!” Ryan replied. “Whatever you have planned,” he said, jabbing Stephen in the back, “it better be sodding worth it.”

* * * * *

Stephen finished his errand and found Ryan at the hospital surrounded by children in wheelchairs and on crutches, smiling and giggling as he performed magic tricks with the presents he was handing out.

“Magician and Santa, I had no idea,” Jenny said, sidling up behind Stephen.

“Me either,” Stephen replied. He knew he had a stupid grin on his face, but he didn't care, especially when Ryan looked up and saw him, returning the grin threefold.

“You may as well have hearts in your eyes,” Jenny said.

“You're one to talk,” Stephen said, pausing for effect, “Mrs future second Cutter.”

“Ugh, I liked you much better when you didn't feel comfortable enough to joke about her. And I am not the future anything. We're just... why am I explaining myself to you anyway?”

Stephen shrugged. “My natural charm, I guess.”

Jenny pulled an unimpressed face. “You're an arse, you know that?”

Stephen just pulled out Jenny's phone and dangled it in front of her. She took it and rolled her eyes.

“Still an arse.”

Stephen laughed and pressed his shoulder against hers.

“You got all the photos back?” Jenny asked.

“Nothing ever stays completely deleted.”

“I presume you made copies?”

“Naturally.”

Jenny sighed. “Nick will kill you if you do anything with those photos.”

“You mean you won't be able to use them as blackmail material if I get there first.”

Jenny turned to look at Stephen and Stephen turned to look at Jenny.

“You're not as dumb as you look, past proclivities not withstanding.”

“Thanks, I think,” Stephen replied. “Besides, I didn't get the photos off your phone so I could blackmail Cutter.”

“O-kay?”

“I got them so I could get Ryan into a Santa suit.”

“This isn't going to be some sex thing, is it? Because I don't have enough brain bleach to hand.”

“Why does everyone assume I have sex on the brain all the time?”

Jenny just raised a delicate eyebrow.

“Get caught in the showers at work _one time,”_ he muttered not quite under his breath. “No, actually. I knew Ryan wouldn't do this unless he thought I was planning something. And when I show him the photos of Cutter dressed as Santa I'll have proof that I was just trying to get at Nick and not...” Stephen blushed and looked over at Ryan, who was still entertaining the children. “And not putting that smile on his face. None of the kids care about his scars. He needs to stop hiding at work and get out in the world. And he's not going to do that if I ask, so...”

“I take it back,” Jenny said, pulling Stephen into a quick hug, “you're not an arse.”

“You won't tell?”

“Promise.”

They stood arm in arm and watched as Ryan handed out the last of the presents. Ryan looked up and smiled, a real smile this time, and not the one he wore at work to appease the psychologist. Stephen returned it and kept on smiling even as Ryan pushed him out into the corridor away from prying children and PR experts and kissed him thoroughly.

Maybe he could stretch to getting Cutter two beers.

Or even three.  



End file.
